


Ozh'esta

by ritsuko



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, F/M, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Mind Meld, Oral Sex, Unresolved Sexual Tension, vulcan rituals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-09
Updated: 2013-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-14 11:27:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/836383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ritsuko/pseuds/ritsuko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk starts having dreams. But what do they mean?</p>
<p>Post ST:ID.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_It feels so good he can barely contain a moan of pleasure, feeling those Vulcan hands working him so smoothly. So practical, so -logical- in his task. Jim wriggles, sweat slicked body sticking to the sheets because, damn that pointy eared bastard knows where to touch-_

_"Ashayam," The Vulcan word for beloved slips past Spock's lips, usually composed face raw and emotional with need. The blonde bucks into his hand, gripping the sheets beneath him, so close to becoming undone. There are very few words in the alien language that he understands, but this is the one that sets him over the edge every time. Spock, HIS Spock, as it always is and should be. The dark haired man kisses along along his jaw, and the captain eagerly opens his mouth, allowing entry. Spock searches out his hand, index and middle fingers pressed together and caressing down the length of his same fingers._

_The touch is electric, sending a jolt through him. He gasps into Spocks mouth, blue eyes heavily lidded and pupils blown. So close, so very close. . . he moans into the Vulcan's mouth when he feels him also take himself in hand, both cocks rubbing furiously together in an inhuman tempo, fingers hooked together._

_"K'hat'n'dlawa. . . Wani ra yana ro aisha. . ." Spock gasps out and Jim is gone, exploding in a haze of colors that melt into the mahogany brown of the Vulcan's eyes._

~~~~~~~

Jim woke, gasping for breath. For several minutes he just lay, breathing like he had run a marathon. The dream had been so vivid that it took a moment to realize that the Vulcan's fingers were not still entwined around his own. He lifted his hand to look at his first and middle fingers, but they looked the same as always, just felt. . . different. With a shaky laugh, he rubbed his face with his hand. How messed up that he was having dreams of having sex with his second in command-

It was then he noticed the cooling fluid between his legs, and the Captain flushed with embarrassment. It had been years since he had a wet dream, and definitely not one about his robotic and calculating commander. But he kept thinking about the look on the Spock's face. Raw and delicious and so very hot for him-

The blonde shook his head, and started to get up, wiping himself off with the sheets and stripping the bed. He'd had weirder sex dreams. This one was just slightly. . . he didn't know how to describe it. It was pretty ridiculous though to think that he and Spock. . . Jim shook his head and chuckled to himself. He showered, got dressed and went to face the day, but still could not lose the feeling of those fingers and those brown eyes boring into his.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn't like what he sees.

Several days later and Kirk had all but forgotten his dream. After all, he'd be lying if he said he hadn't had erotic dreams about most of the female (and some male) members of their crew. But one couldn't let dreams get in the way of reality, and much like any of the dreams that Kirk had ever had about Uhura, he was pretty sure that a situation like his dream with Spock was never going to happen. 

He was chatting up a Engineering ensign who he couldn't tell if the silvery wisps in her hair are extensions or antennae, when he saw Spock and Uhura out of the corner of his eye, sitting a couple of tables away. Normally, nothing would take his eyes off of such a cute girl, but something felt wrong.

The Vulcan and his girlfriend were speaking amicably enough, Nyota lowering her cool and collected façade a fraction of an inch, and the corner of Spock's mouth giving the slightest of tugs upwards. It's not much from the dark haired man, but the Vulcan had been trying to be just a little more open for Uhura, and it showed. No, the thing that is wrong was on the table. Nyota's hand was palm up, index and middle fingers pointed upwards and into Spock's own, fingers lying on top of hers and caressing lightly. There was a warmth in his eyes that Kirk has rarely ever seen lighting them.

_Wrong. Wrongwrongwrongwrong._ The captains eyes fixated on those fingers more than anything else, when suddenly an unbidden thought descended upon him. _Those should be MY fingers against Spocks-_

A light touch on his shoulder surprised him, and he dropped his fork. In that moment he realized he'd been holding his breath a second too long, and sheepishly grinned up at the lovely girl in front of him.

"Are you all right, Captain?" She asked with some worry, antennae (definitely) fluttering nervously about her face.

"Yes, sorry, I was just thinking about some pressing matters. . ." Again he gazed over to the other table, only to see Spock staring at him with some concern. The Vulcan was no longer pressing his fingers to Uhura's, and for some reason, Kirk felt relief well up inside of him. Looking away, he put a hand to his forehead. Not hot, not sweaty, but still, there was a feeling, something trying to escape.

"I'm sorry, did you want to be left alone?" The girl fidgeted, and placed a delicate hand on his arm. Kirk glanced up at her lavender eyes, pupils so light with the color it made it seem like she had none. What was he doing, thinking about Spock at a time like this? He laughed softly and put a hand over hers. "I'm sorry Ensign. . . K'vanna," It only took half a second to remember her name. "I really shouldn't be thinking about paperwork when I have someone as lovely as you eating dinner with me. Would you like to go up to the observation deck? Ensign Chekov told me there was going to be a star shower tonight. Might be something you might like to see. With me." Jim flashed his custom roguish smile at her and he could tell she was all for it. 

As they started to leave, there's only a slight twinge as he looks back, and those fingers were entwined again, but Spock looked contemplative instead of interested in Uhura's words.

Jim payed it no mind. He won't be needing any strange dreams tonight, not with the beautiful woman by his side.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An explanation of sorts.

The next few days were uneventful; Jim had never realized that the charting of new planetoids in the vast reaches of space could be so damn boring. He wanted to go down to those worlds, drink in the air and the smells, experience the food and the sights and the women. . . he sighed as he continued to transcribe his report for Starfleet about the planet below, that looked to be just another ice world. To be honest, he hadn't even had women on his mind lately. The evening with Ensign K'Vanna proved fruitless, as the longer the evening went on, something just felt more and more off, until finally he had to excuse himself mid-star shower, blaming a headache from overwork. She had told him she could join him and give him a massage, something that Jim would usually jump on, but that night, it just didn't feel right. Jim smiled wryly at himself as he re-read the notes he had jotted down. Since when did getting laid not feel right?

The door to the ready room opened, and Spock walked in, PADD in hand. "Sir, hopefully I would not be intruding if I was to use the ready room as well to write my report?"

Jim looked up in slight confusion, a smile on his face. "Why would there be a problem, Spock? The rooms free if you need to use it."

The Vulcan gave a short nod and sat in the chair across from him. Silence stretched on save for the tapping of their fingerprints upon their PADDs, when Jim realized that Spock's tapping had stopped. He glanced up only to find the Vulcan's serious gaze upon him.

"What's wrong Spock?" The blonde felt slightly uncomfortable with the way the other man was staring at him, could tell that he was calculating his next words before they left his mouth. Even so, Kirk couldn't have been more surprised by Spock's words.

"Have I done something to distress you, Jim?" Spock's eyes held his, probing for truth. 

"What are you talking about?" Jim asked totally confused. Had he done something to make Spock think that he was mad about something? He racked his brain, but couldn't come up with anything that he had done or said in the last couple of days. He tried to grin, but the confusion still shone through.

Spock tilted his head. "You've been looking at me strangely lately. I was just wondering if I had done something wrong." Those brown eyes held a little bit of well guarded hurt, and it took Jim a moment to form words. How could Spock think that he was mad at him. He'd been mad over one thing or another in the past, mostly things like abandoning him on frozen planets where the nearest outpost was several kilometers away, or tattling on him to higher ups through reports for saving his life, but anytime that he had a problem, Jim Kirk nipped it right in the bud and let his feelings be known.

Azure eyes met Spock's mahogany. "You think I'm mad at you because I looked at you?

"I am not sure, because you have been looking at me with much intensity in your gaze. I thought at first it might be because I suggested a probe instead a landing party to the last planet?"

Jim chuckled. The last planet had been full of hairless eight legged creatures that looked like a cross between chihuahuas and piranhas. But with more teeth. "Aw no, I thought that you made a pretty good observation on that one. I really wouldn't have wanted to set foot down there with all those little bastards scampering about." His eyes sparkled with enough merriment that he could tell that Spock was slightly more at ease. Although it was obvious that the Vulcan was still bothered by something.

"Then may I ask you a different question?" Spock asks.

"Of course, go ahead and shoot." Jim shrugs.

"What are your feelings for Lieutenant Uhura?"

Shit. Is this what this was about? "I'm not sure what you're talking about, Spock."

"Of the 23 times that I have caught you staring at me over the last several days, Nyota was within three feet of proximity of me 15 of the times."

Well, double shit. Spock HAD noticed, and now he seemed to think it had something to do with the raven haired beauty. "Spock, do you think that I'm attracted to Uhura?" He joked, but there was no mirth in the Vulcan's eyes. "Oh come on. Uhura's a friend, but there's nothing more than that. Plus, I've got a little more taste than to try and swoop in to steal your girlfriend." Kirk rolled his eyes.

"I am sorry for the accusation, but the fact remains that you have been staring at me for reasons unknown, and if it is not something I did, or Uhura, then what is it?" Spock queried, voice slightly tinged with a bit of irritation, so small that most people wouldn't be able to hear the inflection. 

Most people but Jim.

Sighing, the blonde raked a hand through his hair and looked back over at the other man. "It's just. . . well. . ." Memories of the dream came crashing back, Spock's hands upon him, the crooned terms of endearment in Vulcan. . . Kirk shook his head, trying to get the heated dreams in his head to dissipate. "I guess I just. . . I was wondering what something was. . ."

Spock stared curiously at him. "What is it?"

Jim licked his lips and held up his hand extending his two fingers towards the Vulcan. "I saw you and Uhura doing this. . . touching each others fingers, with them like this. Why?"

For a moment, it looked as if Spock was turning green, and Kirk wondered if he had said something to make the other man feel sick, but then he remembered that Vulcans bleed the color. Having never seen Spock blush before, it seemed a little strange that finger touching was the subject causing this, but Jim held firm, eyes probing that usually stoic face. Finally, the other man cleared his throat uncharacteristically. "The action that you saw us engaging in was. . . is called ozh'esta."

"Awzh'esstuh?" Jim repeated, but Spock crinkled his nose at the pronunciation. "So, you have a name for when you touch fingers together?" The thought was actually kind of. . . fascinating to the blonde.

"Yes, well, the practice is usually a very private thing. It is not just to symbolize the mere touch of fingers. It is known as a Vulcan Kiss." By this point, Spock was full on blushing, something that the captain would be poking a little fun at and enjoying fully if the subject was not about intimacy between his commander and lieutenant. Something about the way the subject was affecting the Vulcan made him feel slightly jealous.

"A finger kiss? I've seen you kiss Uhura before, didn't seem like a really big deal." Jim drawled, gauging Spock's demeanor.

"Perhaps to a human, it is not. But on Vulcan, the ozh'esta is like an intimate kiss. It is not something that is usually shared with the world. It shows your fondness for your bondmate." The Vulcan stated matter of factly, composed save for the color on his cheeks.

Jim felt like the air had been knocked out of his lungs. _NO!NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!_ Something screamed inside him and it must have shown on his face, because Spock stared at him with concern.

"Jim, are you all right? Did I say something?" The Vulcan reached across the table, hand stopping slightly short of his own. For a moment, the blonde debated what might happen if he reached his fingers the rest of the way across the table and pressed them against the Vulcans. Kirk pulled back and smiled at Spock, cursing that nagging voice in his head.

"No, I'm fine, I just. . . that is the only reason that a Vulcan would touch someone with their fingers like that?"

Spock looked confused, the blush in his cheeks dissipated and the color went back to normal. "Yes, in the wrong context it could seem lewd. Why?"

Again, the dream came unbidden, the intertwining of fingers, the caressing, the throaty endearments. Then a memory, fresh yet still clouded in a haze of pain, of himself behind the glass of the radiation unit, fingers splayed in a ta'al against Spocks own save for a half inch of plexiglass between the two. Not the Vulcan Kiss, but oh so similar, oh so intimate and raw. Kirk shook his head. "I, uh. . . it's not important. I just guess that I underestimated the importance that Vulcan's put on a little skin contact." 

He chuckled weakly, but it didn't look like Spock was buying it. "Jim, if you have developed feelings for Lieutenant Uhura. . ."

"Damn it Spock, why would I steal your girl?" Kirk snapped, and the Vulcan's eyes widened slightly. "Look, I just didn't understand your custom. I was just curious. Nothing to get all jealous about." Angrily he grabbed his PADD and rose to leave, ever aware of Spock's eyes never leaving him.

Just as he was about to leave the ready room, Spock spoke once more. "I am sorry Jim. I wasn't trying to accuse you of anything. I was just concerned. I know you are my friend. You would never do anything to purposely hurt me, as I would never do the same to you. But the fact remains, why are you so upset?"

He couldn't help but stare into those dark eyes, tinged with concern. Jim sighed. He wished that he knew himself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Intimate dreams. Passionate awakenings.

_It's hot. Sweet. Good._

_The moan that rips out of Spock's mouth only encourages him, humming and sucking along the Vulcan's shaft until the other man is gasping with need. So unlike Spock, but this is his beloved undone, his Ashayam. His and no one else's._

_He can tell that his love is about to come by the way his fingers thread through his hair, tips brushing his ears in twin ozh'estas, and the significance is not lost on Jim. He doubles his efforts, sucking and licking and moaning around his bondmate, his t'hy'la, his heart and soul's other half. He smiles. All his._

_The force of Spock's release rocks him backwards, but he clings to the other man, drinking him in, rubbing soothing hands on the Vulcan's belly and thighs. He hears a contented sigh, and knows those brown eyes are slowly regaining focus on him, the look of love and lust intoxicating. "Jim."_

_He slowly slides up his lover's sweat slicked body and covers him with his own, planting little kisses here and there. He reaches the Vulcan's mouth and kisses deep and probing, the taste of Spock's come heady and thick. They languorously roll their tongues together as if they are sharing some delicacy, Spock moaning into his mouth._

_"Did you like that?" Kirk pulls away, smiling coquettishly down at the other man, and Spock chuckles lightly._

_"You know that I did, Jim." Spock snuggles tightly into the crook of the human's arm, reveling in the touch of skin against skin. To think, there had been a time when the Vulcan had shied from his touches. Now he revels in the feel, the secret and not so secret glances and contact that they share, fingers quickly caressing in the halls, legs rubbing each other under the table in the mess hall. It is an unspoken bond amidst their peers, only truly acted upon in the bedroom. But neither man would have it any other way. Let everyone think that Jim Kirk is a brash, rebellious, brave and heroic captain with womanizing ways. That Spock is cool and collected always. That they irritate the shit out of each other, yet are amicable in their differences. Let them only guess what goes on behind closed doors._

_They lay for a moment longer, the warmth radiating off of them, air heady with the musk of their lovemaking. Spock then sighs and rolls over to get out of bed._

_"Leaving so soon?" Kirk murmurs, tracing two fingers down Spock's spine, eliciting a delightful shiver out of the other man. The Vulcan turns over and gives him a look, lusty and warm._

_"I think not." Spock murmurs, before lowering his head to Jim, who eagerly arches into his mouth. . ._

~~~~~~~

Blue eyes snapped open, pupils dilated and lidded with lust. Jim frowned as he gasped for breath. Another dream about Spock. But this one more intense. At least he hadn't messed the bed again. With a groan he finally felt his flagging cock brushing against the sheets. Never one to deny himself an orgasm, he wrapped his fingers around it and pumped, arousal still high from the dream. 

He knew it was wrong of him, but he thought of both dreams- Spock's fingers, Spock's mouth on him, and it wasn't hard to conjure the raven haired man in his mind, pretend his were those slender fingers were on his cock at this minute, pumping systematically from glans to root, thumbing the tip when at the apex of his stroke. Those chocolate orbs upon him, whispering sweet nothings in Vulcan. He didn't even know if the words he was coming up with were real or not, but they were in Spock's voice, so they were good enough for him. His other hand he diligently set to stroking himself on the chest, pinching his nipples and sliding down his body to grab his ass. Yes, that was better. The Vulcan in his mind was possessive, wanted Jim to know exactly whose he was. His breath came more erratically, and he could imagine Spock, pumping harder, every so often tempo hitching off beat with the skip of his own arousal, own need start to come undone, breath hitching between clenched teeth. The splatter of Spock's own come, messily splashing on his stomach, marking him-

Jim moaned deeply at the thought, spurting messily onto the sheet. As he basked in the afterglow of the dream and subsequent jerk off, he sighed and slapped his head repeatedly back onto the pillow. This couldn't continue. He couldn't keep feeling this way about Spock. He shouldn't have even felt this way about the other man. He was his friend. His co-worker. Had a girl he seemed madly in love with.

Kirk felt bile at the back of his throat rise at the last thought. Groggily, he scooted over in the bed, away from the cooling come, and reached off of the side for a towel. There had to be something. Anything he could do to get these feelings to go away.

He just didn't know what it was yet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation between friends.

When the Enterprise received a hail from New Vulcan, Jim was more than happy to take the call, especially when Ambassador Spock's face came onscreen. The wizened man grinned at him, face aglow with emotion that Jim's own Spock never had. At least, not when Jim was awake.

"Greetings, Captain." The older man intoned on ceremony.

"Greetings back at you, Ambassador Spock. How's life on New Vulcan?" Jim warmly exclaimed back.

The older man smiled and told him about how life was settling into a steady rhythm of progression and building up all that the Vulcan people had lost, all of the technology and history that the people had been trying so hard to restore in one way or another finally bearing fruit. Kirk tried to listen, genuinely interested for once in the new homeland of his first commander, but the ambassador could tell that something was wrong.

"Captain, Jim, are you well?"

The blonde let out a shaky laugh, "Who me?" Granted, the last few days had been really hard on him with the ever growing frequency of the dreams. They came now, nearly every night. Spock couldn't complain that he was staring anymore, Kirk tried his hardest not to look at the man at all now, sure that the redness in his cheeks whenever he did was never going to go away. But even McCoy was starting to notice the bags under his eyes.

"Please, my friend, you do not have to hide anything from me." The ambassador said kindly, and for once, Jim was glad that he had taken the call alone in his ready room.

"Well. . . I. . . it's just. . ."

The Vulcan chuckled lightly. "I have never known you to be one to search for words, Jim."

Kirk let out his own short laugh, nervousness slightly ebbing away. "It's just. . . well, I keep having dreams. About you. Well, not you you, but the other you. . . and they're. . ." He mulled over the correct way to put it when the older man stared at him with a quirked eyebrow. "Well. . . they're kind of. . . intimate."

Ambassador Spock raised his eyebrows for a split second before composing himself. "So, in these dreams, we are a couple?" The words were even, but the captain was certain that the other man did not sound surprised. 

"Yeaaaaah. And. . . well. . . we were doing that Vulcan Kiss finger thing. . . and you called me Ashayam. . . which. . . that means beloved, right?" Jim asked, realizing that his cheeks were starting to flush hotly. The other man paid it no mind, just nodded, looking slightly sad. For a moment, Kirk started to regret the words, when the other man cleared his throat.

"Yes, Jim. Ashayam does indeed mean beloved. The ozh'esta, that is what the finger kiss as you put it is called. Have you been having these dreams frequently?" The ambassador asked, and the look that he gave touched Jim's heartstrings. There was so much loss and pain in that look, that he wished he could reach through the comm unit and hug the other man, despite the light years between them.

"I knew what the ozh'esta was called. . . I asked you, well, other you about it when I saw him and Uhura doing it in the mess hall. But I asked because of the dream. And I kind of have been having a lot of these dreams every night. . ." He told the older man about them, trying to omit all the sexual parts, but it was pretty obvious that is what they are. 

"The words you have been describing. I am sure one is t'hy'la, another term of endearment. And you said k'hat'n'dlawa?" The words rolled smoothly off of the other man's tongue and Kirk felt sheepish for how bad he had butchered the Vulcan language, and embarrassed for telling the older man his problems. He nodded and gazed into those deep eyes, hoping for some form of understanding of these weird dreams. 

Ambassador Spock sighed. "That is a word that is reserved for the one who is half of your heart and soul, and you theirs."

Kirk felt like his jaw could hit the table. "So, it's like a word for. . . like a soul mate?" The Vulcan nodded somberly and Jim chews his lip. "But. . . why would I have a dream like that? I didn't even know what those meant, so how could they have even been in my dreams?" He felt slightly on the edge of hysteria, as if just the fact that he'd having sex dreams about his taken commander aren't enough, now he was somehow channeling Vulcan words and deep bonds and other weird shit?

The older man looked troubled, and talked slowly, mulling over the meaning of his words. "Perhaps. . . this is my fault." Jim looked confused, but the older man continued. "Perhaps when I melded with you to show you that I was from the future. I may have unconsciously left something behind."

The blonde cocked his head to the side, brows furrowed in confusion. "Left something behind? Like what?"

"I told your Spock once that you two would form a friendship that would define you both in ways you couldn't yet realize. I have sworn not to tell you all the intricacies of my past, so that you may come to your own conclusions and judgements without my experiences clouding them. But with these dreams. . . they are more than that. They are memories. Of my times with my k'hat'n'dlawa. My Jim Kirk." The emotion is raw in the Vulcan's voice, but all Jim could do was gape at the man. The two of them. . . lovers? It seemed hard to believe, that he himself would just settle down, with another man no less, especially when that man was happily in a relationship. But something in his heart responded to the words, made it skip a beat. 

_YES_ a voice sighed in his mind, placated and joyous in the truth in the ambassador's words. Kirk didn't know if he was happy as well or on the brink of insanity. "We. . . you and other me. . . we were together. Those dreams. . . all that. . ." Jim coughed and blushed slightly, "sex. . . all of that really happened?"

The other man nodded. "We were very close. There were times that we had our differences, but they were not in the bedroom." Spock looks slightly apologetic. "I am sorry Jim. I had hoped that you could come to these realizations on your own, the both of you, if they were truly to happen. Something must have accidentally transferred to you during the mind meld. For that I apologize deeply."

Jim swallowed, azure eyes locked upon the dark eyes of the older Spock. "But. . . why am I seeing these things now? We melded years ago?"

Thoughtfully, the other man assessed him with that piercing gaze. "I am wondering if it had to do with your death. Khan's blood may have jump started something inside of you with his superhuman abilities. Something that made you more receptive to the bond that I and my captain shared." Jim shook his head, tryining to deal with all of the emotions coming at him at once. These dream memories were things that had actually happened between him and Spock, in another time and place. There was actually a time when he would be content in the arms of one lover, one very male lover, to the point that they were basically Vulcan married? He was about to deny all of this, but the look in the older man's eyes was so sad, so tragic, that he clamped his mouth shut. "I am terribly sorry, Jim. I would not have wished this knowledge on you because I can see that you are not ready for it. There is no telling if the both of you would ever come to the same circumstances and conclusions about ourselves that Jim and I did."

Kirk licked his lips, and stared at the other man. "What should I do, Spock?"

The Vulcan closed his eyes, brow creasing with worry and sadness. "That, I do not know. If you have no interest, try to ignore it. Were I there, I could try and meld with you again to take some of it back, but I am not even sure that would be a perfect fix, as some memories still might leak through. I suggest you try to go back to your normal life. Let things progress naturally, if you even want to be in a relationship with the other me. Other than that, I am not sure that I have any positive suggestions."

The captain sighed. "It's not your fault, Spock. Believe me, I had no intention of dying and having crazy blood injected into me. Don't worry about it, I'll get through this somehow. It's no big deal." He lied, but could tell that the ambassador knew he was. "Really, Spock, I'll be fine. At least now I know I'm not going crazy or something. I. . . I'm really sorry. You must have really loved him." 

Pained eyes met his, full of love that was not truly meant for him. "There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him. It has been many years. . . I can only hope that you will find such happiness, even if it is not with the other me. That is my most important wish for you." Spock stated, voice full of emotion that Jim's own commander never let into his voice. "I must go, Jim. Please, forgive me." The Vulcan raised his hand in the customary ta'al, and Jim mimicked it back.

"There's nothing to forgive, Spock. You're my friend." And maybe more.

The comm screen went black, and the captain stared at it for a long time afterwards, on the brink of an emotional waterfall. What could even be done about this? Jim placed his head in his hands, unsure of the answer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Worst news EVER.

Kirk tried to fill his free time with anything and everything that he could. Drinking with Scotty and Bones. Hand to hand combat in the rec room with Sulu. Hell, he even tried to wrap his head around half of the mathematical theorems and star charts that Chekov eagerly threw at him for their upcoming journeys.

But none of them compared to his once nightly chess games with Spock, something that he had kept himself from for nearly three weeks. 

It hadn't been all boring, there had been three class M planets to explore, mostly uneventful save for a small race of crystalline creatures that had shimmered like rainbows on the second planetoid, prism effect spattering them all in different glorious hues. He had been laughing that day, as he watched one crawl over Bones' foot and the old man had alternately freaked out, spouting some nonsense about space ticks or lice, but then, McCoy was always mistrustful to be sent down in the landing party. His grin was huge, until he looked over at the Vulcan who seemed to be staring at him with rapt attention. The smile stayed, but he felt self conscious as he helped the Bones extricate the creature that had now crawled up a pant leg.

But he couldn't shake the vision of Spock, covered in crimson and lavender tones, looking at him with dark eyes.

If only he could read the meaning behind those eyes, Jim sighed internally.

One night, Spock approached him in the halls on the way back from his exercise in the rec room. "Captain. . . a word if I may?" The Vulcan's hushed tones brought him to a full pause in the hall, and he managed to meet Spock's eyes. Barely.

"Of course, Spock. What can I do you for?" Jim replied, and then winced at his wording. _Smooth_ he silently berated himself, but it seemed the Vulcan paid him no mind.

"Might we have this conversation in private sir?" Spock queried, and Jim internally groaned. Outwardly, he just smiled, though he knew it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Of course, Spock, um. . . well." The captain turned and walked the last twenty steps to his quarters. It made Kirk wonder if the other man had been sitting outside his room, lying in wait for him. But that was stupid. He knew that the Vulcan could approach him anytime and anywhere, if he really needed to speak to his captain. He keyed in and walked into the room, making his way to his personal replicator for a bottle of water. He looked at Spock, offering, but a clipped shake of the head was the only answer that he received.

Silence stretched. Suddenly Jim felt very awkward, looking around his room out of the corner of his eye. Were his sheets too mussed from his dreams last night? Could Spock smell the sex in the room from when the dreams became too tormenting and he had to take himself in his hand? Aw, damn, how many empty liquor bottles were next to the bed? Kirk cursed himself for his uncleanly stupidity. Spock would probably find some way to work his slovenly habits into a report of some sort.

"You haven't been sleeping well." The Vulcan finally stated, and his voice made the blonde jump slightly.

"What makes you say that?"

"Many things. The disarray of your bed. The bags under your eyes. Your attitude on the bridge. You seem to be thinking of other things while working. You're distracted." Spock ticked every observation off of his mental list and Jim swallowed, mouth dry. "Captain. . . Have I. . . upset you in some way?"

"Of course not, Spock. I don't even know why you would think that."

"You have been avoiding me since the talk about Lieutenant Uhura. I thought that perhaps I had upset you when I asked if you were interested in her."

"Spock, she's your girl. Yeah, she's hot, but you two have been together longer than I've been captain. No way I would wreck that."

"But there is something about us that bothers you."

Jim fought the feeling of jealousy that had wormed its way into his heart, all of the imagined kisses and melds and sex that Uhura and Spock must have shared by now. Thoughts that the Vulcan should be his, after all, that was what everything was in the other time. But here, now, all of that seemed such a fantasy, a bit of make believe that could never happen. A committed relationship. For years. He didn't hate Uhura, she kind of was like a sister to him, in a weird way. An incredibly hot sister, but still. His joint memories from the ambassador made everything too hard to handle when it came down to the two of them being a couple, and he himself left without the bond that his heart and mind kept telling him he should have.

"No. . . I just. . . Spock. I've just been sleeping bad. A lot happened this last year right?" He chuckled weakly.

Spock's eyebrows twitched in alarm. "Are you telling me you have been having nightmares?"

_No. . . not nightmares. . . though you might think they are. . ._ he thought, but just continued. "There have been a lot of things we've been through, right? Some things that I still have to work through. . . especially when it comes to. . . well. . . me dying."

The look on the Vulcan's face was tortured, barely maintaining his neutral mask. He knew it was unfair of him, but couldn't think of an easier way to explain himself without telling him about the true content of his dreams. "Those are times that I would rather not remember, Jim." Spock's voice was raw with emotion. He had heard stories of how animalistic Spock had become, dedicated on the task of taking down Khan, in any means necessary. Including killing the augment.

The only thing that had held him back was Nyota.

Jim sighed. "You think I want to? I just. . . It's better not to talk about it, okay? I'm working through it. Just, I got it under control. Just, believe me, okay?" He fought the urge to reach out and clap the Vulcan on the shoulder, but didn't. He doesn't know if the mere contact with Spock's clothed arm will set him over the edge, make him grip, wrap his arms around, entangle, kiss. . . the blonde shook his head. "Please Spock. I just. . . I'm working through it."

Spock nodded stiffly. "As you wish, Captain. Still, I recommend that you see Doctor McCoy about this. He may be able to help you with some form of sleep aide."

"Of course. I'll head on down to med bay after I shower this sweat off." Jim lied, but without looking at Spock's face couldn't tell if he bought it or not.

Another pause stretched between the two men as Jim took a drink of his water, easing his parched mouth.

"There is one more thing, Captain." Spock stated, and stood a little straighter, at attention. Jim quirked an eyebrow at the other man, wishing he could run his fingertips over those serious lips.

"Yes, commander?"

"As you know, Nyota and I have been together for three and a half years. After much discussion, we have come to the decision that we should take our relationship one step further."

Jim felt the room shake and tilt, and wondered briefly if the gravity regulator was on the fritz. Or maybe Klingons were attacking and had fired upon them. Hell, maybe Sulu was flying loop-de-loops at Warp 9. Anything but the words that Spock had just uttered. "You. . . want to get married?" Jim said weakly, not caring that the Vulcan was watching his reactions closely. It felt like his heart was in a vice and someone was squeezing, clawing the life out of him.

"Captain? Are you okay?"

Jim forced a smile, but was sure that the pain lacing it did not give it a look of joy for the other man's 'good news'. "Yeah, sorry, I just wow. Wow. You two finally. . . finally. . ." He couldn't bring himself to say the words. Not when every fiber of his being was screaming in protest. Every vision that the Ambassador had accidentally imprinted on him tearing him inside out with how wrong this Spock's words were.

"Yes. We believe that we have had a long enough courtship, that can only be benefited by a union between the two of us."

_Stop! Stop please. . ._ something inside Kirk broke and he had to adamantly tamp the feeling down. Spock was not his. This Spock was never his. Not his t'hy'la. Not his ashayam. Not his k'hat'n'dlawa.

That was a spot reserved only for Uhura. 

"That's great. Really. Congratulations. To the both of you." Jim looked for any chance to escape, cursing that he had come to his own room instead of some other place that he could have made a hasty retreat from the Vulcan. "Well, I'm pretty sweaty from my workout, so I think I'm gonna take a shower now, if you'll excuse me. . ." He turned to go into his bathroom, tears dangerously close to spilling.

"Jim, wait." The captain paused, back still turned to the commander. "We would be honored if you would wed us, Jim." Spock's voice was even, but the words stabbed him like a knife. 

He gripped the edge of the doorway, still turned from Spock. "Of. . course. What kind of captain would I be if I didn't. . ." He trailed off, feeling lost. "When?"

"We have not set a date as of yet, but it would be most logical to set nuptials within the next three months. If that works for you, Jim." Spock noticed the way that his captain was clenching the doorway. "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine, I just. . . I really need that shower, Spock. Just let me know what you and Uhura need." With that, Jim escaped into the confines of the bathroom, door whooshing shut behind him. 

It wasn't until he was under the hot spray, sobbing his heart out that he realized that he was still fully clothed. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. His t'hy'la would be marrying another.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self medicating.

It's not hard for the crew of the Enterprise to see that there is something wrong with the captain. On the outside, he is composed, and seems normal, but to everyone on the bridge, Jim is not the light hearted, hands on, self assured man that he used to be. He can see them glancing at him with worried looks out of the corners of his eyes, but he doesn't care. Let them think he looks haggard. Whisper that he looks overworked. His nightly torments of a relationship that he cannot have the only peace and hell that are on his mind now.

There is a page from McCoy requesting him to immediately come to the med bay, and he sighs, staring out through the front viewing screen into the deep desolation of space. Once it had been so vibrant, so full of promise for him, but reliving Ambassador Spock's memories night after night made everything seem pointless. He has never thought once that he would come to a point that space would hold nothing of interest for him.

"The comm is yours, Spock." He states, weariness creeping into his voice, but cannot even look up at the other man. He sees the blue of the science uniform out of the corner of his eye, and quickly heads to the turbolift, feeling the start of a migraine coming on.

~~~~~~~

"What the hell is going on with you, Jim? You haven't been all here lately!" Bones asks, genuine worry lacing his voice despite his grumpy exterior. Jim refuses to look the other man in the face. He can feel the older man's tawny eyes searching him. 

"I'm fine, Bones," he mumbles, staring at the floor, "Just been really tired lately. It's not that big of a deal."

McCoy lets out an irritated breath of air, still glaring at the blonde. "It is that big of a deal Jim! Everyone is starting to notice. You barely touch your food, you're distracted wherever you go, hell, I haven't even seen you flirting with anyone in weeks. What is up with you?" The doctor's voice takes on a slight pleading tone. "C'mon kid, I'm worried about you."

Kirk finally allows himself to look up into those dark eyes, rife with concern. The captain audibly swallows, mouth slack. "I just. . . I haven't been sleeping."

Bones rolls his eyes. "Yeah, no shit. A blind man could have told me that. Every day you come out of your room looking like your bed kicked your ass during the night." The doctor's tone changes to true distress, and whispers in a hushed tone. "Are you having nightmares? From when you. . . the Khan thing?"

_The Khan Thing._ Everything came back to The Khan Thing. As if actually saying 'the time you died' would jinx it and the blonde would fall over dead.   
Jim rubbed his eyes wearily. "Jeez, Bones, do you think that's the only thing that could be giving me any troubles?"

"Well,  
there is the issue that the hobgoblin thinks you hate him or something." Bones states matter of factly.

"Don't call him that." Jim blurts out, before he realizes his mistake. In the past, he would have never shied from a little teasing about the Vulcan, and Bones quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Why not?" The doctor shot back, and Jim looked away, silence stretching. "Okay, what the hell did he do? You don't have to tell anyone else on this ship anything or answer for anything, but I am your friend. I know more about you from three years in a messy dorm that smelled like empty pizza boxes and ball sweat. Don't you shut me out like this."

Jim frowned at himself, he could tell that Bones was taking this personally. But how could he even say any of it? How ridiculous it all was? How heart wrenchingly awful it all felt and it was only in his mind. The blonde sighed, raking a hand through his hair.

"Please, Bones, just trust me. I can't really say anything about it. There's just a lot going on, okay? It doesn't even really make sense to me. I just want it to stop. I just want one night where I can sleep and not wake up because I'm having crazy ass dreams."

". . . you're not going to tell me what they're about, are you?" Bones sounds resigned.

"It's kind of personal Bones. Embarrassing." Jim fidgets, looking at his hands.

The doctor snorts. "Nothing has ever stopped you before."

"This time it's different." Kirk's voice takes on a slightly pleading tone, and McCoy stares at him just a few seconds before throwing his arms up. 

"Fine, kid, your just shoulder your problems alone like some kind of friggin' Atlas. You're ridiculous." He plops down in a side chair and glares at the captain, but leaves it alone. Jim is thankful. "C'mon, isn't there anything that I can do for you?"

Kirk thinks a moment, licks his lips, and lets out a shaky smile. "How about you gimme one of those bottles of Saurian brandy?"

~~~~~~~

It had taken a minimal amount of coaxing and puppy dog eyes to actually get the bottle of liquor from Bones, maybe because the older man was that worried about him. Or maybe because he knew how to push the doctor's buttons. He at least made it to the turbolift before he uncapped the bottle and took a huge swig, and then smacked his lips audibly. The edge that had been wearing him down all day was a little less sharp, a little less painful. Quickly, he took another drink.

By the time he had made it to the deck his quarters were located, he could feel the alcohol, permeating his muscles, relaxing him completely. Maybe this whole Spock thing, he'd been going about it all wrong. Maybe he just needed someone or something else to take his mind off of the Vulcan. Yeah. . . that sounded like a good idea. . .

His drunken footsteps took him past his bedroom, down the corridor to one of his past flings. Kirk could remember the time they had shared together before, and she had been warm and inviting. Completely professional afterwards. Perhaps he could share the rest of his brandy with her. If she would even be interested. . .

_NO!_ His internal voice screams, and dredges up memories, entwined with Spock and loving words and so much passion. Jim grimaces and quickly tamps it down.

"No." He mutters under his breath. "You're not real. You'll never be real." He takes another drink and the memories fade into obscurity, only a warm, calming feeling remains.

He knocks.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fights. Pain. Promises.

_"What were you thinking?"_

_"I guess the point was that I WASN'T thinking, Spock." Jim growled under his breath._

_"That is the only explanation that would be obvious. Really, I want to know why!?" The Vulcan radiates with fury, with hurt, and it's tangible, he can feel it through their bond._

_Jim throws his hands up glaring at the other man. "I don't know why! If I knew why, I'd tell you. She was there, I was there. It just happened!" The captain turned away, mouth dry and angry. It was hard to tell what he was angry at, his bonds to the Vulcan, or his own ways._

_"Your only logical response is that the both of you were in the same vicinity and so you HAD to fornicate with her?" Spock was livid, showing the most emotion that he ever had, at least when he was not in the throes of passion with his t'hy'la._

_"Maybe I didn't, after all, variety is the spice of life! But you wouldn't know anything about spice would you, with your rules and regulations and stupid traditions and your stupid bland food!" He flings the words like acid, so wrapped up in his anger that he doesn't even know what he's so mad about. Things are good with Spock, they're always good. But he hasn't always been a good man. Spock wasn't his first. He wasn't even in the first twenty. But he has been the one he's been with the longest, more than a fling. More than a boyfriend. Definitely deserving of more than someone who will cheat on him._

_Spock stiffens, eyes growing hard. "You are trying to elicit a negative response from me."_

_"I'm trying to elicit any response from you!" Jim practically spits, getting in the other man's face. "You're mad. Why? You never said we were going to be exclusive!"_

_"Our bonds are-"_

_"Fuck the bonds! I never said that you were going to be the only person that I fucked for the rest of my life! Why do I have to commit to you every second of every day? There are more important things Spock. This ship is more important than you or me or anyone on her. And if I have to fuck every damn person in the galaxy to keep her safe, I will!"_

_Spock recoils like he has been slapped, then slowly composes himself. "I see."_

_Jim closes in on him, gritting his teeth. "And what exactly is it that you see, Mr. Spock."_

_The Vulcan's face is impassive. "I see that your are so invested in your self deprecating behaviors with other life forms, that you will not lower yourself to the unfulfilling bonds of companionship and dedicate yourself to what we share. I will not debase myself in such a way. If you wish to ignore our bonds, then feel free to. I will not expect you to live up to your full potential as my t'hy'la if you are enticed by others." It is subtle, but Kirk can feel a mental wall being erected between their bond. Suddenly he feels empty, slightly hollow. He purses his lips, resolute despite the pain he is causing his ashayam. . . no. . . his commander._

_"If that's the way you feel. Not gonna make you do something you're not happy with, Spock."_

_The Vulcan turns to leave, tense. "You may think that I do not understand. But I do. Our arrangement is not something that would come normally to you. Perhaps were I a female you would be more interested in just me, but perhaps not. But I cannot stand by and feign ignorance or that your actions do not affect me. If you must sleep with others, then I cannot continue this path with you." Spock looks over his shoulder, sadness deep in those chocolate orbs. "I cannot lower myself to disrespect you in the way that you have disrespected me."_

_With that, the raven haired man leaves the captains quarters. Kirk slowly sinks to his bed, numb with regret. Tentatively, he feels at their bond, like plucking at a guitar string. But something is blocking the full potential of the music that binds them together, and the note comes out sour. Bile rises in Jim's throat._

_What has he done? One night with some skank was worth breaking his relationship with his k'hat'n'dlawa? He has never been good with his emotions, even as a child, spreading whatever he could of himself where ever he could, begging for scraps of love. And now that he has it, he can't even keep it._

_All because of his own hang ups and issues._

~~~~~~~~~

Jim blearily cracked his eyes open. Then immediately squeezed them shut. He could tell that the lights are only at about twenty percent, but damn, they HURT. Something shifted softly in the bed beside him and he forced his eyes open again, staring up into emerald almond shaped eyes framed by an oval face and choppy black hair. Concern plays on those lips.

"You okay, captain?" The girl's heavily accented voice drawled, and Kirk nearly groaned just trying to decipher the words. 

"Yeah I. . . ugh. Do you have any water?" He rasped, and the woman rolled her eyes. He couldn't remember how he got here, but judging by the empty bottle of Saurian brandy at his side and the throbbing in his head, that's what brought him here. She slid off the bed and made her way to the bathroom, as he desperately tried to remember her name. But the fight in the dream had made him feel weak, unsure of anything.

If the other him and Spock had fought like this, why were there so many memories of the two of them so happy together? After all of the pangs of longing he had been experiencing, he hated the other him for making Spock feel in such a way. How could the other him not feel how important the Vulcan was, how he made his heart yearn? 

Scilla walked back from the bathroom (yes, Scilla was her name) looking irritated, holding a cup of water and some pills. He gratefully took them, popped them in his mouth and gulped down the fluid. "Better?" She asked, and Jim nodded slightly.

"So, uh, last night. . . " he started and the girl huffed a sigh of annoyance. 

"It's not really good etiquette to come to a crewmember's quarters in the middle of the night, snot slinging drunk and pass out on them." She stated drily, and Jim suppressed a blush. 

"So, we didn't. . .?"

"No. You didn't even get my bra off."

For some reason, Kirk felt relieved.

~~~~~~~~~

"Keptain on ze bridge!" The young Russian pealed out, a little too loudly for his taste, but he continued to his chair, giving Chekov a smile and a nod. He could practically feel the disapproval in Spock's gaze for being late. Whereas he himself wouldn't bear down on anyone else within being reasonably late, evidently when you were the captain, you needed to be on time. Always.

Even with a splitting hangover.

Details of their latest uncharted planet were brought to his attention, how it seemed habitable, signs of intelligent, indigenous life, enough air and vegetation to possibly sustain a colony. Kirk smiled through a haze of pain and nodded absently at all the comments flying his way. He should have gone to Bones for a anti-hangover hypo, but then the doctor would have wanted to know how Jim had gotten so drunk so fast. 

"Spock, take the conn. I'll take the rest of the details via PADD in the ready room." Jim stood, steadying himself as the floor reeled in front of him. He couldn't puke on the bridge. He'd never live it down.

He made it through the doors before collapsing in a chair, laying his head against the cold smooth surface of the table. Everything hurt. Jim should have known better, the last time he had been hungover he hadn't even drank half of a bottle of the brandy. Still, while he had been drunk, the dreams stopped tormenting him. Idly, he started picking through the pieces of the memory/dream, disconcerted by the facts. Shouldn't the other Kirk have been more of a stand up guy, and not a fuck up like himself? Someone who had gone through life with a father that was alive and a mother who wasn't absent every chance that she could get? Who didn't sleep around for just one feeling of belonging? It didn't make sense.

~~~~~~~~~

He was vaguely aware of someone shaking his shoulder, and slowly he woke, mouth dry and eyes crusty. Rubbing the sleep from them, Jim looked up into the definitely disapproving face of Spock.

"Captain. You have been gone for an hour. I trust you have not been sleeping the entire time?" The Vulcan's tone was less than pleased, and it made the captain wince. Jim's headache had subsided to a dull roar, but it still hurt. The shoulder that Spock had just touched was still tingling from the feel of the other man, and he almost wished that the Vulcan would touch him again.

Jim lifted his head from the desk, and realized that he had been sleeping in a puddle of his own drool. Licking his lips, he stared up at his first officer with hazy blue eyes, and forced a smile. "Long night." He croaked, and Spock raised an eyebrow, passing him to replicate him a bottle of water at the wall unit. The blonde gratefully took the drink, gulping it down.

Spock stood at attention, hands behind his back staring down at him, and Jim could feel it, like a wave cresting ominously before it came crashing down, obliterating everything in its wake. Slowly, he set the bottle on the table and braced himself.

"Captain. Have you been sleeping this entire time?"

There was no point in hiding it. "Yes."

"You realize we will be orbiting the planet in thirty five minutes?"

"Well, I do now." 

"You have given no orders for a landing party. You have barely given any orders in the past several days wherein you were not entirely distracted. Now you show up to duty, leave after no time at all, and fall asleep on the job. These are things that could be understandable if we were going through stressful times, but we have been relatively slow as of late. What is going on captain?" The commander's voice was firm, all protocol, but he could sense the unease in that clipped voice. 

"I've just been tired lately, Spock. I told you that before."

"And before I told you to see Dr. McCoy for it. Upon further investigation you had not."

"I saw him yesterday, okay? It's not a big deal."

"It is an incredibly huge matter, captain, especially when I have to prompt our doctor of your issues."

Perhaps it was the way that Spock said the words, but they cut deeply. Frowning, Kirk stood and stared deeply into the Vulcan's eyes. "It's not an issue, Spock. I've just been tired."

"Your just being tired is affecting every crewmember on this vessel. It is not only unfair for you to treat yourself in such a way, but to each and every one of the rest of us. You are the captain, and as such, you have no time to shirk your duties." Spock's tone was even, but the words were not. It was like a slap in the face, but the words were true.

Jim took a step forward, into the Vulcan's personal space, but the other man didn't budge. "Look, I understand, there is a lot that I have to answer for right now, but I have no answers. So you're just going to have to deal with it, commander."

Mahogany eyes narrowed, boring into Jim's azure orbs. "I will not deal with you being reckless in your duties, especially if you are suspect to being emotionally compromised." The captain's eyes widened in shock. Spock's voice took on a softer tone. "Please, Jim. I don't want to have to strip you of your title until you are deemed fit by the doctor and myself to captain this ship. What is wrong with you?"

Jim swallowed, looking away. Suddenly his head was pounding harder, the force drumming a militant tattoo on the inside of his skull. _Dreams. The best dreams of my life. Dreams where we are together. Dreams where you love me. Dreams that are more than dreams, memories of another time, another place. . . something I will never have. . ._ The voice in his head crooned, and Kirk closed his eyes.

"I'm having nightmares."

Spock raised an eyebrow in concern. "For weeks? What about?"

". . . things." He couldn't tell the other man. Spock would never understand. 

The Vulcan frowned, taking another step closer to the blonde. Jim wished that his arms would wrap around him and tell him it would be all right, that somehow he knew, that they indeed did belong together. That he would feel so stupid that he hadn't told him sooner. It was a childish thought, there was no way that the commander would just pop out such an affirmation. Not when he loved Uhura. Not when he wanted to marry the woman. 

Spock looked slightly uncomfortable, and cleared his throat. "Perhaps, there is a way that I can help you. . ."

Blue eyes shot up to the Vulcan's impassive face, disbelieving. "What?"

The other man turned slightly from him, consternation visible on his face. "It is. . . quite intimate, but I possibly could meld with you. Such a joining would allow me to go into your mind and close off any unwanted outlets-"

"No!" Spock looked shocked at the abruptness of the other man's voice, and Jim mentally cursed himself for seeming so adamantly against the treatment. "I mean. . . if it's intimate. I don't want to freak you out with whatever's in my brain, Spock. Just, I'll be fine. Really. Please, just can we please forget this?"

It seemed that Spock stared at him for a good ten minutes without speaking. Jim gazed right back at the other man, drinking in his dark eyes, perfectly sculpted hair. . . corded muscles beneath his uniform tunic. He swallowed. The silence weighed down on Jim like a chain, dragging him underwater, and he was barely able to keep his head afloat. 

"Captain, I do not think it is wise to continue on as we have been. You are tired and whatever you are going through is affecting your judgement. I would prefer if you stayed on ship and rested while I led the landing party."

Jim's jaw almost hit the table. "You. . . what?!"

"You are in no condition to lead a landing party to the surface and establish first contact. I suggest I head a small team to the planet's surface and make the arrangements. That way you can rest." By the time that Spock had gotten to the end of the words 'first contact', Jim was visibly shaking.

"No."

Spock gazed at the captain, unfaltering. "Captain?"

"I said no. There is no way that I will not be on that planet when we send a party down. This is my job Spock." Jim protested.

"A job that you have been very poor at fulfilling as of late, I might add."

"I don't care what you add! You know what, you want to confine me to my quarters until I'm rested AFTER all of this, fine. But I am going down there. End of story." Jim exclaimed like a pouting toddler, but didn't care. Resolutely, he knew he looked like a child standing his ground, demanding a treat before bedtime. It didn't matter anymore. This as what he was on the Enterprise to do. He sure as hell wasn't going to let it be taken away from him.

The sigh that came forth from the Vulcan was a surprise. "Jim, please. . . I am worried. . ."

"There is nothing to worry about, Spock. We're going to go down to this planet, things are going to be peachy. I promise, if I'm still acting in a way you don't like after that, you can lock me in the brig for all I care." Quickly he started to rise, grabbing for his PADD, when he felt the other man's fingertips on his shoulder. He stiffened as the electric shock of his touch jolted through him, warming him. God, he wanted that hand, both hands, all of Spock, all over him. . .

He managed to meet that umber gaze without flinching, and finally, Spock nodded a small affirmation. "I have your word. I trust I can keep you to it." 

Jim smiled despite the pain of the doubt of his first officer. "Spock, you can lock me up and throw the key if you don't like anything after this." He clapped a hand to the other man's shoulder, and then made his way out of the ready room, arm still tingling from the Vulcan's touch.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peace talks. Misunderstandings. Dread for the future.

For lack of a better word, the planet was a paradise. Well manicured gardens and streams filled the small city that the landing party had arrived in, and the architecture was advanced. Really, it wasn't all that much unlike Earth, even the occupants. The Betazoids, as they were called, seemed very human themselves, except for slightly larger, inky black irises. Jim chocked it up to some sort of ability that the people had, maybe they were just as intelligent or more than a normal human. They had certainly been very receptive to their guests. 

"You are pleased with what you see." The Betazoid Ambassador stated, not a question. Her large eyes and soft dark curls complimented her features, ones that not long ago Kirk would have looked at and shot back a come on line. Things were very different nowadays though.

"It's hard not to be. You have a very lovely planet here. It kind of reminds me of home." Jim stated with a smile, and it was true. 

"We are very excited to have you here, and hopefully negotiations will go well. If all of your crew is as good as you and your life partner, I cannot imagine that we would not want to join in a treaty with your Federation." She went on, and Jim stiffened. Had she just said-

"Pardon me," Spock stated at his side, "But I do not understand your terminology. You said-"

"Commander, I'm sure there are more important things to talk about than a few misused words." Kirk quickly intoned, and stared at the girl. There was a look of confusion on her face, but the captain kept talking, unease coating his voice. "The Federation would be an excellent choice for your people. Not only are we focused on enriching the lives of your people, but also preserving your ways of life. There are many ways in which we can help you, if you so desire to become a part of the Federation." 

The Ambassador, Amara, Kirk remembered her name, nodded slightly, and beckoned them into a small pavilion next to a flowing river. "If you will wait a moment, I will retrieve refreshments for us." She bowed and retreated down the path. Kirk stood next to one of the fenced edges of the structure, and looked out over the water. He groaned internally, and could feel Spock's gaze boring holes into his back.

There was silence for several minutes. Finally, "Sir. Do you know what she meant when she called us life partners?"

Jim closed his eyes, pained. He could feel the curiosity in the other man's gaze, running up and down his entire being. "No. . . it's pretty silly, isn't it?" He stated with a half hearted chuckle.

Spock's even monotone cut through the air like a knife. "Is it?"

The captain swallowed, hands clenched the rail in front of him, knuckles white. "Spock, what are you even saying?" He managed to sound nonchalant, except for a tiny break at the end. Unnoticeable for most. Except for the Vulcan. He felt the other man come closer to him from behind. 

"Sir, from what I have gathered, the Betazoids must have some form of psychic ability. They distinguished our coming here, our needs, our mission. Ambassador Amara shook your hand, but knew not to shake mine. I feel that she can, to some extent, read our thoughts." Spock was next to him, staring at his face, but Jim just kept looking at the water, afraid to turn and see whatever lay in the other man's eyes. "Please tell me where she could come up with such an idea that we were life partners, because she did not get it from me."

"Spock, seriously. I don't know what she was talking about, maybe she was-" Kirk was cut off by strong hands spinning him around and gripping him by the shoulders. His azure eyes shocked and blinking as they stared up in apprehension at the Vulcan. 

"Do not lie to me, captain." A hint of ice had infiltrated the usually neutral tone of the dark haired man's voice, and it was all that Jim could do to remain calm. "I would never lie to you. That you would do so with me is appalling and disrespectful, captain or no." 

Kirk swallowed, trying to look away, but with Spock still gripping his shoulders, the farthest that he could look was the other man's chest, covered in his uniform, Starfleet symbol shining. A chest he had seen bare so many times in his dreams, covered in the sweat of lovemaking and passion. A grimace covered his face, and the Vulcan gripped his arms harder, but not hard enough to hurt.

"What is it that you are hiding from me? Do you not trust that I am your friend?" Spock's eyes searched his face, imploringly, as if trying to find the missing piece of a puzzle embedded in the skin. Whereas it seemed to be in the captain's brain. Jim knew that the Vulcan would never forcefully try to pick that, with or without permission. 

Jim sighed, and shook his head. "No, Spock, that's not it at all."

"Then what?" The Vulcan let go of his arms, and they dropped to his sides weakly. Kirk felt like he might throw up, his anxiety was so high. Memories of Spock's embraces, kisses flooded him when the other man let go of him. 

"Really, should we be talking about the with the ambassador about to come back?" The blonde shot him a look, and for once, the other man looked severely irritated, and Jim could tell that the raven haired man's teeth were grit behind his pursed lips. 

"When do you propose we discuss it? You do not speak to me anymore, unless it is on the bridge. You have cancelled our chess matches and workouts. Whenever you look my way, the emotion on your face is. . . strange. Like I am hurting you just by existing." Spock clipped, barely getting a chance to breathe between all the words tumbling from his mouth, picking up cadence and displeasure with each syllable. 

Jim blanched, but before he could speak, Amara walked back into the room with a tray full of snacks. "Gentlemen, shall I give you two a moment to talk, it seems that I have cause a rift between the two of you." She bowed her head in deference. 

The captain flashed her a winning smile, despite the somersaults that his stomach was undergoing. "Ambassador, I'm not quite sure what you are talking about. I thought we were having a great time talking about the future of Betazed and the Federation as allies."

"That is not what I am talking about, Captain. I am not talking about a rift between our peoples. I am talking about a rift between you and your lover." Amara stated matter of factly.

Spock stiffened visibly next to her, and Jim's eyes flew open wide. "That's not, I mean, I don't know what it is that you think is going on between the two of us, but we are not lovers. We're just friends. Good friends. Nothing more."

"I am sorry if I have offended you Captain, but the Betazoid people are a heavily telepathic race, and we never hide our emotions from one another. Whereas Mr. Spock's mind is heavily guarded, I can read your emotions quite well." The woman cocked her head to the side, confused. "Are you two having problems?"

Kirk grit his teeth, willing the ambassador to leave him alone and stop asking questions. Especially about him and Spock. The woman colored slightly, and cast her eyes down. "Perhaps if we can just talk about our peoples and not ourselves personally, that would be an excellent place to start." He regretted his thoughts from a moment ago and sighed. "Humans have no abilities like your people, no shields, so it is slightly discomforting to be told what you think is going on inside my head." _Plus_ he thought at her, if she truly could read his mind, _there is a LOT going on you don't understand. Hell, I don't even understand it._ His eyes were pleading, hoping that she would drop it. Knowing full well he would have more than enough to answer for back on the Enterprise.

"Apologies, gentlemen. It seems I have been mistaken. Please, let us continue our talks." She started to pour a drink that resembled tea into little ceramic mugs for them. Jim chanced a look over at his first officer. Spock wasn't looking at him, face a neutral mask. Jim swallowed, trying to push all thoughts out of his head, save for one, that wouldn't go away.

_When you get back to the Enterprise, you are so fucked._


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confrontations

It wasn't hard to take the Betazoids up on their hospitality. When Amara had asked if they would like the spend the night, Spock had started to refuse, which was exactly the opening that Jim needed..

"Nonsense! I would love to sample your people's hospitality. Spock, by all means, you go ahead and board the Enterprise. I'll be down here for the night." The captain tried to make sure that his tone wasn't quite so quick, he could tell that he had failed miserably.

The Vulcan arched an eyebrow at him, obviously irritated, but Jim didn't care. At least it bought him one more day, to think about exactly what he could say, what he should say. As he lay down in the bed next to a gauze curtained veranda, he couldn't help but think of the other him and other Spock. . . if they had ever kept secrets. They had obviously had fights. It was hard to think of what might happen when he finally did tell Spock about all of this. How soon would the other man and his communications officer want to transfer off the ship, especially when he had feelings for him?

Despite the apprehension he felt, the river outside babbled softly, lulling him to sleep.

 

~~~~~~~

_It's so tight, so good, the rhythm that he and his first officer have worked up, chests slicked with sweat and sliding furiously together. He loves looking at the Vulcan's flushed body, tinged green with arousal. As he plunges into the other man he strokes his cock in tempo, leaning forward to deeply kiss his lover's plush mouth._

_Spock is sweet, delicious and he drinks him in. The taste of his mouth, the sight of his body, the sound of his husky moans. The feel of him. Jim presses the tips of his fingers of his free hands against the shell of the Vulcan's ear, and Spock comes undone, coating his belly in white. Jim thrusts one last time, filling his lover with his come. Panting, they lay, reveling in the feel of each other. Legs entwined, Jim brushes Spock's sweaty bangs from his forehead and lays a kiss there._

_"Captain."_

_"Jim, Spock, I want you to call me Jim when we're like this."_

_"Jim."_

_"Yes Spock?" Jim murmurs into the side of the Vulcan's neck, and can feel the other man swallow._

_"I believe I love you." It is barely a whisper, but the raw emotion behind the words cause the captain to look up into those dark eyes. It feels as if a million butterflies are flittering in his insides, but with the other man against him and his cock softening still inside of him, he knows his feelings to be the same._

_"I love you too, Spock." Jim gives a crooked smile, and the Vulcan pulls him down for another kiss._

_"T'hy'la. . ." Spock murmurs against those lips, and for the first time, the blonde feels content._

_But then something is wrong, there is an invasion of some sort. Something is here. . . someone. . ._

_Jim's eyes dart up, protectively shielding his lover, only to see Spock staring back at him from a doorway, that normally neutral face twisted into confusion and something even more unreadable._

_And then the world breaks into a million pieces, shards of the dream cutting through him, ripping his subconscious to shreds._

~~~~~~~

Jim bolted upright in bed screaming, barely registering that he was knocking someone away from him. Panting heavily, he rolled out of the bed and moved into a defensive stance, until he realized that his first in command was standing at the end of the bed. "Spock?!" He cried indignantly at the figure bathed in the moonlight.

For the first time, Spock had more emotions running across his face than Jim had ever seen in their several years together- embarrassment, irritation, misunderstanding, shame. It is then that the true gravity of what the Vulcan had done struck him.

The blonde couldn't help but start to shake with an irrational fury. "You just mind melded with me."

It was evident that the shame that Spock was now trying to reign under his tight control is from this fact. His face blanched. "You have been highly illogical for the last several weeks-"

"You." Jim spat, vehemence dripping from his voice. "Mind melded with me." His hands fisted in the sheets, white knuckled in anger. If there was one thing that he knew, a mind meld without permission was gravely forbidden in the Vulcan culture. To think that Spock would do such a thing to him without his consent rips nearly rips the ground from underneath the blonde's feet.

"I saw no other way of getting a truthful response out of you. You gave me no other choice."

"No other choice? No other choice?! I told you after this mission, I would do whatever, and then you just invaded my mind!" The betrayal that Jim felt was devastating. He knew that the last several weeks had been hard for everyone, but this was especially taxing, just the thought that Spock would invade his privacy.

"You have been acting strange, Jim." The Vulcan finally started to regain composure, mask setting back into place, emotions tamped down. "What else would you have me do? I am your second in command, by Starfleet regulation, I am to take any means necessary to make sure that our ship is safe and no crew member is endangering us."

"And what exactly have I done that has even come close to endangering us, Spock?" Jim rolled his eyes, trying to quell the headache that was slowly starting to form. Would the other Spock have ever done this to his Jim? Would the other Jim have ever accepted such a grave breach of trust? Considering that that two were bonded and not just colleagues as Jim and his first officer were, it seemed that the situations were totally different, and any melding would have been totally consensual. 

Spock cleared his throat, fighting a natural urge to look away. "You were having dreams about having intercourse with me that have clearly been affecting your judgment for the last several weeks."

"They aren't dreams!" Kirk finally exploded. "They are memories, okay?" 

The Vulcan looked taken aback at the outburst, and something rolled behind his eyes, unreadable. "Memories?" He repeated, blandly.

Frustrated, Jim ruffled a hand through his hair. "Yeah, okay. . . memories." He looked away, sitting back down on the edge of the bed. He could feel the other man's gaze upon him, and all of his anger seemed to drain from him. "Something happened to me. Khan's blood. The other you seems to think that it jump started. . . memories in me from the mind meld we did on Delta Vega."

Spock's brow furrowed. "You melded with the other me?" The question was indignant, and Kirk rolled his eyes in irritation.

"Yeah! He had to tell me all of these things really quickly, and I guess more transferred than he realized. But I didn't start getting any of this until after. . . I died." Jim stated flatly, staring into the other man's dark eyes. He knew that it sounded ridiculous, but it was the truth, and there really wasn't anything else that could be done about it.

The Vulcan stared a long moment, and then swallowed visibly. "You are telling me that the other Spock was in a sexual relationship with the other you?" Spock started, incredulous tones lacing his voice.

Jim's crystal eyes didn't flinch. "Yes." The blonde stood and started pacing the room. "They were t'hy'la, and they did that ozh'esta and were pretty much Vulcan married and in love and only together." Jim knew that he was babbling, but now that the floodgates are open, he couldn't help but let everything out. He could tell that the information overload was proving a little too much for the other man, Spock's eyes widened and he took a step backwards.

"Why did you not tell me this?" Spock queried, and Jim sighed, plopping back down on the corner of the bed. 

"What was I supposed to say? In another life, we were lovers?" The blonde asked, raking a hand through his hair. 

"I could have helped you cope with this. I could have melded with you and given you shields, to bar these memories that do not belong to you."

Something went cold in the pit of Jim's stomach. Just the idea that Spock could come into his mind, and take away the memories, the very heaven and hell that he has been living every day was utter pain.

"No."

Spock paused, as if he had heard incorrectly. "Captain?"

"I don't want you to." Jim's tone was firm, but nearly petulant. The thought that Spock could take these feelings away was nearly debilitating.

"But they are not your memories." The Vulcan admonished, trying to reason with a man who has been clinging to the edge of it for weeks. Jim doesn't budge in his opinion.

"But they feel like it."

"But," Spock firmly repeated, "They are not."

Jim looked away, unable to respond. Slowly he walked out to the veranda, brushing the curtain away with numb fingertips. The landscape was dusted in the hazy glow of moonlight, and the scene is serene. It was a contradiction to the turmoil he feels inside. He could feel Spock's dark eyes upon him, watching. The captain sighed. "I don't want to."

The four syllables were sad, broken. 

"I do not understand why you are putting so much emotion into a fallacy." Spock stated, but came up slowly behind him, and softly placed a hand on Jim's shoulder. The blonde suppressed a shudder. Spock never touches him, but it is not unwelcome. In fact, Jim wanted to lean into it, to turn, to kiss and hold the Vulcan. As well as other things. 

"It's all I have, Spock." Jim finally stated. "Someone else's memories are the closest thing I have to. . ." It's too hard to say. Jim sighed and turned, looking into Spock's eyes, expecting to find rejection, but finding no emotion whatsoever.

"To what?"

The captain shook his head. ". . . to belonging."

"But you do belong. You are our Captain. We look to you for guidance and to know how we should fulfill our missions. We need you. We need you whole." Spock replied evenly, tone neutral, but Jim could tell that the Vulcan meant every single word.

The blonde stared out at the landscape for a long time. Could he truly live without the memories, without an actual feeling of belonging? As ridiculous as they were, in some way, he has come to rely on the dreams every night just to make himself feel whole. Dreams of another man who has no interest. Who has a fiancee. Who wants him to marry the two.

With a sigh, he turned, resolved. "Let's do this."


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melding. Revelations. Feelings.

It had been an awkward several weeks, to say the least. The deteriorating ability of his captain to be able to function, as well as the secrets were something that Spock would not normally worry himself with, if not for the Enterprise. If not for the crew that depended on their captain to safely guide them. If not for his friend, suffering from some inner turmoil that Spock could not begin to understand, because he had no idea what had been plaguing the other man.

He had thought it had been about Khan. 

That would have been so much easier.

Human intimacy was still something quite foreign to him, despite his time with Uhura. She had pulled him out of his shell, out of years of Vulcan training to not let emotions guide him, and helped to make him feel that his human side wasn't something to be shunned. But Jim, Jim was the first person he could honestly call friend, and for that he would always be grateful, for that sense of belonging, although he might never be able to bring himself to say the words.

It was with great consternation that he had even decided on the meld, but the Betazoid's words had confused him, but elicited such a strange response from Jim. . . He knew the risks, that such an intrusion was something heavily frowned upon. But this as his captain, his friend. Just that alone without the safety of the crew and the ship was enough to make him bend protocol, with jus the intentions of the shallowest of mind melds.

He hadn't known what to expect. But certainly not this.

Not memories of encounters between the two of them, in another time and place. Where they were lovers. It was confusing, mind boggling, that just the havoc that Nero had caused would make history stray so far from itself. Especially a history where he would consider a matebond to someone other than Nyota.

Jim shifted from foot to foot, unable to make eye contact with the Vulcan. "Is there a certain way you want to do this?" The tone of his voice sounded heartbroken, and for a moment, Spock regretted that he had melded with the other man. Just the thought that the blonde was clinging for dear life to events that had never happened between the two of them, and yet with the elder Spock did not make them any less real.

The Vulcan swallowed visibly. "Whatever will be the most comfortable for you, whether you want to sit, or stand, lie down. It is up to your preference." Neither moved for a moment, until Jim made a move to the bed, perching lightly on the edge of it. Spock padded over to his side, sitting lightly on the bed next to him. Jim's eyes were fixed on his hands, clenched in the fabric of his sleep pants.

No, this was nothing that Spock would ever have expected, or known how to handle. But he knows that his captain is in pain, and the overwhelming shame that comes with that thought is nearly devastating. He raised his hand, and his fingertips inched closer to Jim's face.

"Spock."

The Vulcan paused, arm outstretched. "Yes captain?"

"Will it hurt?" The blonde's voice was tentative, almost with an edge of pleading. As to what, the Vulcan could only guess that Jim hopes that he will reconsider. But Spock knew he must remain strong in his resolve. Softly, he placed what he hoped is a reassuring hand on the other man's shoulder. 

"I would never hurt you, Jim. I swear."

Turbulent azure eyes gazed up at him, and Spock felt a twinge of doubt, a feeling that he had already has hurt Jim in an irreparable way just by being concerned. With a nod, he says, "Alright then, I'm ready."

Spock stared into those eyes for a moment longer, trying to convey the apology that he could not form into words, and raised his hand onto the captain's meld points, and is bombarded with memories. 

~~~~~~~~

_"Someone might see us, Spock." The blonde teases._

_"Given our remote location, I find it highly unlikely. Besides, this is my land therefore whatever I do on it is-" The Vulcan's voice hitches into a low moan, due to his lover's lowering of his lips to his groin. Jim was like that, greedy and not always willing to wait for Spock's wordy answers when it is just the two of them. Especially when they are naked._

_It wouldn't bother Spock even if they weren't, or if they hadn't been copulating for the last hour. This is his home, one that he is glad to know that he shares with his t'hy'la, his intended bondmate. One of the two suns orbiting Vulcan has already set, but there is still more than enough heat emanating from the other to make the human sweat, even in the shade of the tree they are lying under. Jim's mouth is sweet heat around him, feeling intensified by the new bond that they share. What was once as delicate as the strands of a spider's web is quickly becoming more solidified, rock hard and strong. Though Jim is still new to the bond, he explores it with everything he has, his curiosity endearing to the Vulcan._

_By the time the second sun sets, they have made love yet again, lazily basking in the cooling night, staring up into the nighttime sky, Spock sharing with him the names of the constellations. For the first time, Vulcan feels like Spock's home. But then he realizes it isn't true._

_Jim feels like his home._

~~~~~~~~

_"Why would you do something so stupid?" The anger which laces Jim's voice is nearly venomous, tension rippling through their matebond. Sickbay is empty save for the two of them, McCoy is in his office running a test to make sure that the venom injected into the Vulcan won't have any adverse effects after the makeshift antidote he'd had to throw together. Considering Jim's fighting mood, it is a far better place for the doctor to be._

_Spock arches an eyebrow at his lover, and almost frowns. "It was the only logical thing to do. Had I not beamed down to the planet-"_

_"You could have gotten killed! Those things tried to rip you apart!" Jim yells, then winces at the pain in his side. The natives of the most recent class M planet had been less than receptive, and far more deadly than anyone could have considered. Readings had shown they were a kind, benevolent people, at least until Jim had declined the opportunity to participate in a celebratory hunt, one that hunted down fellow citizens to slaughter._

_"They were going to kill you, just for refusing their barbaric hunt. Luring them away from you was a simple, and gave you the ability to escape." Spock stated simply, seemingly undeterred by the gash on his cheek. It seemed that the venom had rendered the dermal regenerator ineffective, so Bones had had to gauze it until the anti-venom worked its way through Spock's system. It was nothing compared to the man's broken fingers on one hand, already splinted._

_"I could not allow them to try and do the same to you. I am far stronger than you-" Spock started, but was halted by the captain crushing his lips to his._

_When he finally pulled back, Jim's blue eyes were serious, worried. "I mean it Spock. Never do that again. When they caught up to you. . . I. . ." Jim's words cut off, but the Vulcan could feel the agony through their bond. Tentatively, he reached out with his bandaged fingers, brushing a soft Vulcan kiss atop the other man's fingers._

_"You are my mate, Jim. I must protect you in any way possible." The Vulcan leaned in to kiss the other man, and Jim, finally conceded, opened his mouth and relented. There was still irritation through the bond, but the overwhelming feeling of relief and love was overpowering._

_"Ugh, you two!" Bones' voice pieced their moment, grumpy and annoyed. "If you're well enough to make out, then get out of the sickbay! I do not want you two making the mess you did in here last time!"_

_The two pulled away from each other, but the bond only felt stronger._  
  
~~~~~~~~

_Pain._

_So much pain._

_Spock stumbles to the ground, shoulder clipping the desk in his study as he falls, but the pain in his shoulder is nothing compared to the pain in his mind. It's gone, snapped, severed, the electric current between him and his ashayam snuffed out in the blink of an eye._

_It can't be. Jim is away on inaugural jaunt with the new crew of the Enterprise. It had been regrettable that Spock could not also attend, being buried in current coursework. His t'hy'la had talked him into coming to their estate on Vulcan to relax, while he, Scotty and Chekov oversaw the cruise._

_Nothing harmful. Nothing to warrant something like this._

_Shaking, he rises to his feet, feeling for the commlink on his desk, punching in the coding for Starfleet headquarters._

_There is confusion on the other end, as he tries to be patched through to the Enterprise, demanding the urgency of the call. The communications officer on the line is flippant, and bored, but then turns confused when the ship doesn't respond immediately._

_Spock reaches tentatively in his mind, trying to seek out the man with a boyish grin and courageous heart, the man who made him feel. Who made him not ashamed to feel._

_An eternity passes, and then a familiar voice is on the line._

_"Captain Spock?" Chekov sounds tremulous, deeply disturbed. The Vulcan's heart lurches, hand white knuckled and gripping the table._

_"Yes. I. . ." The words catch in his throat. It is illogical, but the Vulcan can't even say the words, ask the question._

_After a pause on the line, Chekov confirms his deepest fears._

_"Sir, Captain Kirk. . . he is. . . gone."_

_Pavel might have said more. Spock isn't sure._

_All he can feel is pain._

_And emptiness._  
  
~~~~~~~~

Spock's hand dropped from Jim's face.

There were several long moments of silence as he studied the other man. No wonder the captain had been going through such turmoil. Every single memory, while the Vulcan could distinguish them as not his own, still felt vivid and real.

They hurt. But they were. . . beautiful. Passionate. Loving. Tragic.

Slowly, the captain's bright blue eyes opened, confusion evident in the crystal depths. 

". . . you didn't take them away." It was more of a statement than a question. Spock could only nod, unable to tear his eyes away from a face that he had seen through so many memories, that he had not seen with such vivid feelings before. While they shared no matebond, He could still feel something, the phantom traces of a link between them, ghosting across time and space. "Why?" 

Spock licked his lips, and tried to form words. Instead, to his surprise, a single tear rolled down his cheek. "I. . . I do not know."

The blonde looked shocked. "Spock, I. . ." Experimentally, he reached out and brushed the droplet away with his thumb, gazing solemnly at the other man. "What does this mean for us?"

Chocolate eyes danced with confusion, feelings clouding his thoughts. "I am not sure. One thing is for certain. The damage that Nero did not only took away your father and my mother, my homeworld, but our supposed relationship. There is much to think about, but I cannot make a snap decision about it."

Kirk nodded, eyes downcast. For some reason, it hurt the Vulcan to see him like that. Before he knew what he was doing, his fingertips traced the captain's jaw in an ozh'esta, and Jim's shocked eyes stared at him. "I cannot promise you anything. I do not know that I can form any sort of relationship with you. But I do know that I must speak with Nyota. We must speak more too. After we have sorted out these feelings, then we will come to the most logical decision about this. Whatever happens, I will not leave the Enterprise."

The captain stared at him a long moment before shakily bringing his finger tips up to Spock's and covering them, a returned kiss. "I would like that very much, commander." He gave a half smile, relieved that his secret had come to light, but also worried on what choice his science officer might make.

It didn't matter. As illogical as it might sound, Jim could feel something, small and budding entwining around his soul, a little heartbeat thrumming through him straight into the Vulcan's fingertips. Somehow, it assured him that come what may, everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for hanging in with me for the long ride. This was my first Star Trek fic that I ever started, so it has a special place in my heart. <3
> 
> Only this part of the journey is over, as soon as I can, I will be posting the next part in this series. Please look forward to it! :D


End file.
